The Coaching Side
You don't have to
do it alone.
The conversations behind The Unbreakable Mindset.
Sensitive passage — awaiting final author approval
The idea for Unbreakable began in my conversations with Carl Van de Velde, before my serious fall on my head. He confronted me with my own part in decisions I looked back on with a great deal of regret. The message that stayed with me was that I had to become unbreakable.
Later I also wanted to develop another side of myself. My hardness and drive had taken me far. At the same time, I began to notice how much listening, openness and the way you deal with people matter.
That is why I started Jay Shetty's life-coaching programme. We had to coach others and be coached ourselves. That is how I met Stephen.
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He lives in New York. Thanks to the videocalls we recorded on Riverside, we stayed in touch for about three to four years. He guided me through an important part of what I call The Septic Tank.
In that period I also became a student again. Our contact took place while I was trying to rebuild my life in several areas.
I had someone I could think out loud with. Someone who listened, asked further, held up a mirror and came back to what I had set out to do.
With those transcripts we had material to later use for the Booklet we wanted to create. I let myself be guided all the way to the idea of it: a small book with the experiences, lessons, principles and the coach's side for the eighteen-year-old me who would start his hockey journey — a compact book with experiences, lessons and questions someone else could also use.
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else's survival guide.”
Brené Brown
The Magical Mindset and The Unbreakable Player were eventually brought together in The Unbreakable Mindset.
That intention lives on in The Unbreakable Mindset.
The Booklet
A compact book with my experiences, lessons and questions — made to print and give as a survival guide.
Read and print the booklet →Where Unbreakable began
The origin story
Not a perfectly straight line — but this is the order in which it happened.
1 · Spain
I stepped away from the national team myself, and ended the relationship with the woman who was, for me, the love of my life. Looking back, I call it the biggest mistake of my life.
2 · Carl Van de Velde
Conversations in which I was confronted with my own part. I had been complaining a lot about circumstances and had slipped into the role of the victim. In the end, I was the one who was the 'somebody who quit'. He confronted me with the fact that I had given up my dream and my goal because of external factors, frustrations, the coach's decision to put me on the bench, conflicts and so on. Saying that to the team in that vulnerable way, at the coach's request, paradoxically did me good: putting it into words well gave me more energy and focus. But the mistake was the decision that followed: to step out of the team. I should simply have positioned myself vulnerably, without giving myself the option of staying out of the team. I had to return to ownership — and claim that I was unbreakable, no matter what came at me. Goggins style. The beginning of Unbreakable.
The lesson I take from this
Am I making external situations and people influence my decision to give up my dream, goals and ambition? Remember why you started — and don't let anyone influence you.
3 · Playing better
After a number of conversations and coaching sessions, I noticed I was starting to play better again. That is my personal experience, not a proven cause and effect.
4 · The fall
Then I fell on my head. That serious fall and the period after it became a profound part of my story. Unbreakable was an idea I already carried with me.
5 · Stephen
Later, through the mutual coaching exercises in Jay Shetty's life-coaching programme, I met Stephen Schaeffer.
6 · The long conversation
I was looking for ways to keep going. Not giving up. Getting stronger. Back to personal training, life coaching, online courses, working on my weaknesses. Coaching through Tim Grover's 'Winning' and Bob Proctor's 'Thinking Into Results'. Everything I could do to get better and find my way through The Septic Tank — even when it sometimes felt like sinking deeper and deeper. About three to four years of online coaching, in which the book and website concept kept developing.
Spain and Carl Van de Velde — the full story
Sensitive passage — awaiting final author approval
In Spain I stepped away from the national team. My ego was wounded and I said I could no longer go on and no longer wanted to help. In that period I also ended the relationship with the woman who was, for me, the love of my life.
I thought chasing greatness demanded sacrifices like these of me. That was how I interpreted the stories and examples I sought inspiration in at the time. Today I look back on those decisions with a great deal of regret.
After Spain, I had several conversations and coaching sessions with Carl Van de Velde, a coach with a more business-oriented approach.
Carl confronted me sharply with my own responsibility in the decisions around the national team and my relationship. I experienced that as a wake-up call. As I remember it, part of that confrontation was hearing that it was my own fault. I do not treat that as a proven explanation for everything that happened in the team or the relationship. For me, owning my responsibility means examining which decisions I made and what I want to learn from them.
The message that stayed with me was that I had to become unbreakable. That is where the idea began that would later gain more and more meaning.
After several conversations and coaching sessions, I noticed I was playing better. That is my personal experience, not a proven cause and effect.
All of this happened before my serious fall and concussion. The Unbreakable idea already existed; what came after became important context for how it developed.
Carl's message is described as I remember it, not as a verbatim quotation.
How I met Stephen
Learning to listen was part of becoming stronger
My hardness and strong focus on performance had taken me far in sport. At the same time, I noticed that certain soft skills had faded into the background. I wanted to improve the way I deal with people and develop my coaching and listening skills.
Within Jay Shetty's life-coaching programme, participants had to coach others and be coached themselves. That is how I met Stephen Schaeffer. He lives in New York, United States. I know him only through the online videocalls we recorded with the Riverside app; we have never met in person.
From that introduction grew a coaching contact of about three to four years. We talked about my sport, my ambitions, my doubts, my relationships, my studies and the life I wanted to build. And, of course... The Septic Tank.
Working together also asks for:
- Listening attentively.
- Asking open questions.
- Being able to receive feedforward.
- Not immediately filling in what someone means.
- Taking other perspectives into account.
- Adapting how you say something to the situation.
I have a life coaching certificate from Jay Shetty's programme.
Meet Stephen Schaeffer
The coach I kept having the conversation with.
Conversation partner
Someone I could think out loud with, even before I had an answer.
Mirror
Reflecting back what he noticed, as an invitation to explore together.
Accountability partner
Coming back to what I had set out to do — and adjusting when needed.
That is my personal experience of him. I am grateful for his contribution to our conversations and to the development of this material.
Profile awaiting Stephen's review
Professional background
According to the description he provided, Stephen has almost thirty years of experience in education, working with people from preschool age to seniors. He describes learning as personal, meaningful and connected to real life. His approach makes room for:
- Conversation and curiosity
- Examining assumptions
- Reflection
- Ownership
- Practical application
- Learning to organise your own actions
“Meddler in the middle.”
That is how Stephen describes his approach: an involved guide who works in the middle of the learning process, asks questions and helps people discover things for themselves.
His work in education and coaching
His profile describes work with teachers and schools, including with Big Picture Learning, around:
- Student-centred education
- Mentoring and personal attention
- Executive functions, such as planning, focusing attention and setting priorities
- Project-based learning
- Internships and learning in the community
Through mrstevemakesmybrainhurt he shares practical educational routines, thinking tools, mentoring activities and material around executive functions. His profile mentions the ONE Framework and Start Strong as part of his work — they are his work, not methods of The Unbreakable Mindset.
Chromatophore Coaching
With Chromatophore Coaching, Stephen focuses among others on two groups: students — self-management around learning, such as focus, planning, ownership, dealing with procrastination and building consistent habits, which is different from subject tutoring — and adults in transition who return to study or go through an important study or career change, exploring existing habits and developing behaviour that fits a new situation. Discipline here is not a judgement of someone's character; personal circumstances and the need for support matter.
Reserved for a short personal contribution from Stephen, a portrait and links to his coaching — added only once he has provided or approved them.
What our conversations meant to me
Listening, asking, mirroring, following up.
Breaking the silence +
Being able to say what is hard, even before I had an answer. Ambition, uncertainty and the need for support can exist side by side. A conversation can begin before you can explain your story neatly.
Someone who listens and asks further +
An attentive conversation partner helps you look beyond the first explanation you give yourself. Listening to understand is different from rushing to offer a solution — exactly the skill I wanted to develop myself.
A view from outside +
Stephen could reflect back what struck him in my words, expectations and recurring patterns. Those observations were invitations to explore something together — never the final interpretation of my life. There was always room to nuance and disagree.
Difficult questions +
A valuable conversation can also be uncomfortable. Questions about motivation, identity, avoidance, expectations or relationships can help you choose more consciously. Confronting is not the same as humiliating, pressuring or ignoring boundaries.
Accountability +
Coming back together to what you wanted to do. Discussing what worked, what got stuck and what is needed now. Agreements can be adjusted: a next step can also be resting, asking for help, having a difficult conversation or revising an unworkable plan.
Putting experiences into words +
Our conversations and reflecting on them helped develop stories, insights and questions for the book. Not every difficult experience has to become a beautiful lesson: there is also room for regret, uncertainty and experiences without a neat conclusion.
Becoming a Student Again
Learning again, while I kept rebuilding my life.
Sensitive passage — awaiting final author approval
During my coaching journey with Stephen, I became a student again.
That makes his work with students and adults in transition personally recognisable to me. While we talked about hockey, my ambitions and the life I wanted to build, I also started studying again.
Guiding people in transitioning periods to restudy is also part of his profession. That I had started to do the same myself felt like a funny coincidence.
I wanted to develop my thinking and build skills outside sport. That step is part of what my New 100% came to mean for me: making room for learning, a broader identity and new possibilities.
Stephen's attention to self-management and development fits the transition I was going through in that period.
The Invisible Game
The invisible side of the game
Reflections from the coaching material — not universal psychological explanations, and not literal words from Stephen.
The Invisible Game
Exploring the meaning behind visible goals.
What do I hope achieving this goal will change for me?
ExploreThe Invisible Voice
Connected to the Echo and the way I speak to myself.
What do I tell myself when something becomes difficult, and how do I want to respond to that?
ExploreThe Invisible Comparison
Connected to constantly comparing myself with an earlier or ideal version of myself.
What becomes possible when I take my current situation as my starting point?
ExploreChromatophore — my personal connection
Strength can be adaptive.
Sensitivity and adaptability can also be part of your strength.
Sensitive passage — awaiting final author approval
When I watched My Octopus Teacher, the image of the octopus stayed with me: an animal with a soft body that perceives its surroundings and can adapt in impressive ways.
I see a connection with Chromatophore, the name Stephen uses for his coaching.
For me, that opens a way of looking at resilience. My hardness and drive had brought me a lot. At the same time, I wanted to learn to listen, tune in better to others and respond more flexibly when my usual approach did not help.
The octopus gives me an image for that thought: you can be vulnerable and still have ways to respond.
Chromatophores are pigment-containing structures that help octopuses change skin colour and patterns; octopuses can also change their posture and skin texture. This connection is my own association — not Stephen's explanation of the name. Adapting never means erasing yourself: flexibility stays connected to your own choices, values and boundaries.
The conversation you want to have
Interactive exercise
The Conversation I Need
Sometimes a next step begins with saying something out loud. Use these questions to prepare a conversation with someone with whom you feel room to be honest.
Every question is optional. Your answers stay only in this browser and are never shared — not with Stephen, Carl or anyone else. There is no cloud backup; nobody reviews your answers or coaches you through this exercise.
What if you became a better listener?
My introduction to coaching also began with the wish to deal better with people myself.
- Ask what the other person needs.
- Let someone finish speaking.
- Say back in your own words what you understood, and ask whether that is right.
- Ask an open question before you give advice.
Which skills have taken me far — and which do I want to develop to work better with others?
A valuable coaching relationship leaves room for questions, boundaries, disagreement and jointly assessing whether the guidance helps. Family, friends and other professionals can offer support too. Coaching is not a replacement for medical or psychological care, and no coaching can guarantee results.